Finding myself in Europe. What if people think I am Lost?

finding myself in europe

FYI. I’m not trying to find myself. I already know who I am. Well I know most of who I am. Most of us do. Most of us know most of who we are (for real)
Sometimes.
Most of the time.
A lot of the time.
We are not allowed to be who we know we are.  We are not allowed to be most of who we are. We are not allowed to be most of who we know ourselves to be.

Just a thaught thought. Anyway. Have a nice sleep

Don’t pray to be someone else

 

Because everyone has their own problems. Life looks rosy on the outside, but everyone has their own battles. We all have our gripes. Now. I am not saying everyone has crap to deal with at every moment in time. But what I am saying, is that we all have things we want to change. Things that we wish we could improve. Others like you or me may see it as perfection. But individuals themselves may want to change it.

 

For example, people always complement me on my figure. BUT for the longest time I’ve wanted to change it. Don’t get me wrong, I really like my figure. However, like most ladies. I wish I had a smaller frame.  Let’s go deeper and use another example. I’m sure you may have heard this one or something like it. It’s about a girl on Instagram. Everyday she would post pictures of gifts (cards, flowers, money etc) from her boyfriend. Underneath the pictures would be a whole bunch of people commenting: #goals #relationshipgoals #couple goals, ‘I wish my boyfriend was more like yours’. Fair enough. Who doesn’t want their boyfriend to adorn them with gifts? Later on it was revealed that the reason her boyfriend was getting her so many gifts was because he was physically abusing her. He got them to ‘try make up for his wrong’. Moral of the story is, if people knew the crap they were both dealing with behind closed doors. No one would wish to be them. Yes, it’s good to have people to aspire to be like. But the moment you wish to be someone else is the moment you need to take a step back and really think about what it is you are praying for. Do you want the gifts, because you may also be praying for all the extras?

Nowadays, when I pray I read the Lord’s Prayer, asking for Gods will to be done in heaven and on earth. Because quite frankly, I don’t know what’s going on behind every closed door. Not all is what is seems, and I have no idea how big icebergs really are.

 

Why I took a break after University.

September 23rd, 2018. The last day of my 4-year undergraduate Master of Nursing degree in the UK. Long title. Titles matter. Anyway.

 

Rather than most student nurses who have jobs lined up so they can start working as soon as they finish. I decided to take a break. Like a real break. The initial plan was to volunteer in Tanzania for three months, but that completely fell through a fortnight before my last day at uni. One would have thought that I’d get a job instead and end my desire to relax. But no, my mind works differently, and I was adamant that whether I was volunteering or not. I would not be working in any capacity. I not only wanted a break, I needed a break. And as I’m writing this, I am so glad I decided to take one.

 

One reason why I wanted a break was because I needed a break. I NEEDED A BREAK. 4 years of uni with 7 weeks off a year. I needed one. I needed one to get my mind right, to get my body right. I was and am very aware of the fact that If I didn’t take a break, the world would transfer from being my oyster, to being the stew that I would be roasting in.

 

I mentioned in one of my vlogs that I didn’t want to get sucked up into the needs and wants of the world. I’m certain that if I had started working straight away I would have got lost in the system. I wanted to set my own goals. Outside of those that had been set for me long before I started my degree. I wanted and needed to recalibrate my mind.

 

The last couple months of my degree had me running on God knows what. My mind was racing and there was a lot of crap that I didn’t want to carry into the future. So yh, the main reason why I decided to take a break was because I needed to take a break. I was listening to my body and my body was telling me to rest.

 

In this world of Alpha leaders and Alpha success. Alpha money, Alpha assets. Some people equate taking a break with failure. ‘Oh, she took a break because she’s weak, because she is not strong. She took a break because she is lazy’. No. I took a break because I am strong.

 

Jet Li: You are killing yourself for a job that would replace you within a week if you dropped dead. Take care of yourself.

 

I am strong enough to listen to my body in a world that wants me to work everyday for the rest of my life. I am strong enough to go against the grain. I am strong enough to recognise my options and exercise them. Bloop. Life is about choices and I am exercising mine for once. I’ve come a long way. Situational.

 

Some people who were aware of my plan to take a break argued that I was wasting time. ‘You’re just going to be a band 5 for ages’. Remember, many people go far but they go the wrong way. They get lost in the process. I don’t want to get lost in the process.

 

A second reason why I decided to take a break was because I have more than one dream. I have more than one goal. And for me I needed dedicated time to fully comprehend all that I wanted to achieve: Start my blog. To read more. Reading more sounds so simple but it means a lot me. Allows me to learn things I wasn’t  taught. To study abroad and a whole bunch of things that I will share later.

 

Because I didn’t want to work as a band four, three or two. Some of you may know that you are able to start your nursing preceptorship as soon as you finish your nursing degree. The problem with that Is that you may not have your nursing registration. So even though you have started your preceptorship you may only be paid as a band two, sometimes as a band three or four if your trust is generous enough. This is a grey area. You have finished your formal studies. But you haven’t graduated, and you haven’t gained your official nursing registration.

 

I’ve worked too hard to be paid as a band two, a salary that I was qualified to achieve over seven years ago.

 

‘Never confuse what you are offered with what you are worth’

 

I know some trusts will make back payments once you’ve gained your registration. But no. I’ll wait till you’re able to pay me all of what I am due.

God can’t bless you where you pretend to be. What that phrase means to me.

 

To me it means stop wasting time living your best life in your head. Just live your real life, even if it isn’t always your best life. What exactly is your best life? It’s all relative. Accept your reality and live in it. Don’t pretend to be elsewhere. If you do that you may miss what is really for you. People can’t meet you if you are not present. You can’t hear the doorbell ring if you are not home. Don’t let real life pass you by. Time waits for no one, and the time spent living in your head cannot be refunded. Instead, the time spent living in your head will be asking you for a refund! – ‘You didn’t live your best life properly, come back and do it again’. (Meditate on that and deep it).

God can’t bless you where you pretend to be. Not just in a mental sense; as in imagining things, dreaming of a 4-week work life in Bali. But also, in a physical sense. Can you really afford those trainers? Or are you getting them just because…. Why not leave the money and use it to buy something that is really for you? Something that will help you live your real best life. (not the best life that the world tells you to live).

God can’t bless where you pretend to be. So, live a life that is true. To. You:

  • One that leaves time for reflection
  • One that is guided by your moral compass
  • One that allows you to live freely without become a slave to the system

God can’t bless where you pretend to be. What that phrase means to me. To me it means. God will be with you where you are. God sends us peace. God didn’t send it to the house we will be living in ten years’ time. God didn’t send it to our graduate job. God sent it directly to you. Not where you pretended to be.

 

God can’t bless where you pretend to be. What that phrase means to me.

It means getting rid of your fantasy self. Your fantasy self is killing you. The person who you wish you were, but aren’t really.

Next post idea? Declutter your fantasy self and let your real shine?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10th August | Retaking my nursing OSCE exam

That morning I woke up around 7am. I set my alarm for 5am but that didn’t work out. I spent a lot of yesterday travelling and preparing for today. I finally got up at 7am. I told myself, if you get up now and pass this exam you won’t have to worry about it ever again.
So, I got out of bed and had a shower. I went to get something to eat. It was a quite morning. Most of the students at my halls had gone home or were still in bed. For breakfast I had the rest of my orange juice. I also ate some cold strawberries I forgot I had. I had left them in the fridge but because I was so busy the evening before, I hadn’t got around to eating them. Once I had the opportunity to eat them, they were too cold, so I gave them away to some random guy who was doing building repairs.
I grabbed my suitcase I had packed the day before, my adidas rucksack and headed out the door. It was a pleasant morning, not to hot, not to cold. As I got closer to university, I started to get hot. Then I got prickly hot. By the time I got to the university library I felt uh, like I could do with having a shower all over again. But I was still hopeful.
Once I got to the library, I sat down. I did some revision. I googled things I wish I had done the night before. Oh well. 5 minutes before my OSCE exam time. It’s never too late to relearn what a bruit is. I set of to the venue. There was no rush. There was no commotion. I was the only one who had to retake the exam. The mood was calm.
A man rushed past me. I sat on a chair. Tried to get some last-minute revision in. Five more minutes they said. Okay.
I was called in for my exam. They explained what I had to do. I walked into the room. A man was sat in a chair. I did what I had to do. I checked all the boxes. I repeated that three more times.
There was a hum in the air. A positive commotion. I could finally breath. I started to go over all the things I said and did during my exam. I had done it all. For the first time in a long time I was 100% sure I had met all the exam requirements.
I slowly made my way to the library. I say slowly because I was floating. It was a long time since felt this high.